Getting older is a mixed bag, but one of the blessings is that life teaches you lessons along the way. When WOFB approached me to talk about balancing a profession and parenthood, it was definitely NOT because I did it perfectly, or even gracefully. In fact, I often felt I was dropping balls at the speed of light. And sometimes I bungled things, on both the workfront and the homefront.
But with age comes experience, perspective, and empathy. I’ve worked full-time, part-time, and been a full-time mother at home. I’ve worked 100% in the office, solely from a home office, and a hybrid of both. I’ve been the employee, the employer, and the freelance contractor.
Spoiler Alert: It’s All Hard.
It’s okay that it’s hard. Often in today’s world, we’re wired to automatically jump from “This is really hard.” to “Therefore, something is VERY wrong and needs to be fixed.” But the reality is, parenting demands a lot of us, if we are engaged and committed. And it’s extremely difficult to juggle work and family life, particularly when children are young. Feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm are common.
But that doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong. Worthwhile, long-term investments, whether building a business or nurturing a family (or both, simultaneously), require much of us. Ask any elite athlete or musician. Sacrifice is always part of the equation. So when you’re feeling like a failure, try to allow yourself a little grace. You’re doing difficult things. Life often gets easier. And forward progress doesn’t have to be flawless in order to still be gaining ground.
Evaluate, Adjust and Adapt. And Repeat.
That being said, it’s amazing how sometimes small adaptations can improve things dramatically. A change to your schedule, a different day care solution, doing certain tasks from home, etc. We often jump to All or Nothing conclusions, when in reality, the looming concern can be helped by a slight adjustment. One mistake I made when I was younger was thinking that I had to choose A or B, when really there was an entire alphabet of options that were available to explore. Secondly, I thought that once I made a decision, I had to stick with it forever. That also is a fallacy. For instance, I worked fewer hours when I had little ones at home, and as my children grew, (and our company grew), I was able to increase my work hours and responsibilities. Of course, a large percentage of people simply don't have a choice - regardless of their children’s ages, they have to work full-time. But Covid forever changed workplace expectations and configurations, and we often don’t consider all of the creative ways we can adjust and adapt to make the best choices for ourselves and for our families.
But then, once you find your groove and things are flowing along rather smoothly, inevitably - BAM - life throws you a curveball. Perhaps there’s an emergency situation with your company, or a staff member has a crisis and you are unexpectedly picking up their slack. Or maybe your child or parent becomes gravely ill. There may be times you simply have to miss your daughter’s soccer game, just as there may be times you choose to miss an important sales meeting in order to watch her score the winning goal. You will at times have to revise and adapt, and find new solutions along the way. What works this year may not work next year. Don’t be afraid to adjust, evaluate, and adjust again, as needed. And as an employer, try to allow your team members to do the same.
Boundaries Should Be a Thing.
Many years ago, I worked at an ad agency. The hours were long, the pace was intense, and there was an unspoken but very clearly defined rule that any inference that your life did not 100% revolve around your work was not acceptable. There were snide remarks, particularly (and sadly), from women about other women, when family interferences of any sort crept in. Fortunately, as a society, we have evolved a bit since then. As telecommuting and working remotely have become more prevalent, it also has become more common to see visible signs of your role at work and your role at home intersecting with one another. Some customers may be understanding; others are not.
Life is easier, in my experience, when you can somewhat segment Home Life and Work Life, whether physically (store vs. home) or hourly (I am available these hours and days). Here’s the tricky part: it’s often much easier to say no to your spouse/partner, your kids, and your personal attempts for self care, than it is to say no to a client or supervisor. Getting swept up in the path of least resistance can negatively impact the health of those relationships. And these are people (yourself included) who are definitely worth investing in.
Sure, there’s never enough time in the day. And you wish you could clone yourself. That’s a given. But being purposeful in scheduling your time can give you a sense of control. It can remind you that you have the power to choose your own priorities and path.
Here’s an example. Growing my business was important to me. Spending time with my children was also important to me. Something I did with my children that worked well (among the 3,000 things I tried that did NOT work well), was Fun Day Fridays. I would do my best to clear my Friday afternoons in the summertime and during school vacations. Fun Day Friday would be spent enjoying time together, and everyone took a turn choosing the activity. It started with not-so-fun-for-Mom activities like “visiting the ball pit at McDonalds” but as my kids got older (and surprisingly, were still willing to hang out with mom), it evolved to movies, hikes, Super Smash battles, etc. Fun Day Fridays helped me feel less guilt when I had to say no to various activities Mon-Thurs, and that simple act of carving out a block of time just for my kids seemed to help them know that spending time with them was important to me. And ultimately, it created a reservoir of sweet memories that has blessed our relationships. The return on that simple investment of time has been huge. Perhaps you can’t carve out a weekly summer afternoon, but deliberately penciling in time (whenever it may be) with family and diligently keeping those appointments will have a huge payoff.
The Myth of Balance - We all strive for the magical balance between home and family and self care and work and community service and everything else. I’m not convinced that true balance is feasible or realistic. And there are times that things will be dramatically skewed. (Starting a new business or just having given birth are two examples that come to mind.) But you get points for effort here. Taking time out regularly to prioritize and plan, rather than just getting swept up in the tumbling chaos of life, can help you stay mindful and present. Balance is not required to feel at peace.
You’re Doing Better Than You Think. Truly. One of the hardest things about trying to juggle all of the demands of life is that there are scores of spectators on the sidelines, throwing shade and critiquing us on our juggling techniques and the balls we’re dropped, and so much more. It’s painful to get punched over something you are trying so hard to do well. I wish that we as a society, and particularly we as women, could be better at recognizing that everyone’s juggling act is unique and worth celebrating. We are hard on ourselves, and we are hard on each other. And most of the time, we’re doing much better than we think we are. You may feel like a Hot Mess, but that heat is simply the steam powering you up and over the mountains of life. And I celebrate your journey.
