Someone Hath Touched Me by Angela Johnsen - ajsculptures.com,
featured in Thanksgiving Point's Light of the World garden
Like most trials, it has reawakened me to the fact that I do not control my universe. It has driven me to my knees. Praying for health & strength no longer is something that automatically rolls off the tongue. I desperately need both, but even more so, I need discernment, wisdom & guidance. The medical community is still valiantly working to try to understand Long Covid, and no one really knows right now what to do to fix it (although unhelpful advice is plentiful). I know God understands my body and this complicated disease, and I need His direction, to know what I can do on my end to promote health and healing.
Through this process, I have been taught. And I want to record a few of the lessons, so that I can remember them on discouraging days, or even if/when miraculously my life has resumed and I am filled with health and energy once again. So this is more for me than for anyone else who might read it.
“Thy Faith Hath Made Thee Whole”
I’ve counted 8x when the Savior uses this phrase with people in the scriptures. I have pondered its meaning. I’ve contemplated what those individuals did, and how they exerted their faith, to receive their blessings of healing. I’ve thought about what it means to be declared “whole”. And I have wondered about the delicate balance of having the faith to be healed, along with the submissiveness to say, “Thy Will Be Done” and “But if not…”
(Sidenote: maybe at some point I will add all of the scriptures and talks I have studied as footnotes in the bottom… but until then, you can search on your own.)
Finding that balance is something that I prayed about prior to the October '21 session of General Conference. I prayed for weeks beforehand that I would find some guidance, and I believe that prayer was answered. Many of the talks spoke to me, enlightened my mind and strengthened my heart, but two stood out in what they had to say about that tricky faith/submissiveness balance: “Remember Thy Suffering Saints” by Elder Anthony Perkins, and “Is There No Balm in Gilead? By Elder Brent Nielson.
There were several insights I gained, but the most important one was that it's not about having faith in an ACT - in my case, the act of being healed physically from this bewildering, lengthy freakout of my autonomic nervous system. Having faith in God doing exactly what we want Him to do is a recipe for disappointment, and I don’t believe He particularly enjoys being thought of as a vending machine. But having faith in Jesus Christ - in His goodness, His wisdom, His ability to heal us not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually, is what the focus should be. And I believe that trust and hope being riveted to HIM is what granted these individuals in the scriptures Godly favor and miracles.
“Be of Good Cheer; Thy Sins Be Forgiven Thee”.
I’ve always loved the “Raise the Roof” miracle of Jesus’ ministry. Jesus is teaching in Capernaum. The word’s getting out about Him and He is teaching in a home sardine-packed with people listening. A young paralytic was brought to the house by the very best kind of friends. They brought him to Jesus, to be healed. (That concept touches me.) But they can’t get him through the packed doorway. So being creative and persistent, they went up on the roof, uncovered it, and lowered him down to Jesus.
Jesus responds by telling the young man his sins were forgiven. That is the first miracle.
The Pharisees criticize Jesus, telling Him He does not have the power to forgive sins. So as a sign of His power, He tells the young man, “Take up thy bed and walk.” And the young man picks up his bed and runs away, rejoicing, with his friends. The second miracle.
In studying this, I was reminded that Jesus FIRST forgave the young man’s sins. That was the main miracle. I think this was because the Savior wanted to emphasize the fact that the miracle of the Atonement is the most important and wondrous and powerful and eternal and mind-blowing miracle of them all. And I am a recipient of that.
I want Jesus to heal my Long Covid illness. Immediately. But with this story, I was reminded that I experience spiritual healing daily as I repent and am forgiven. I receive spiritual healing each week as I take the sacrament. I partake of God’s grace continuously. It is truly miraculous. And it is the most important and wonderful healing I could possibly partake in. So I glory and rejoice in that. Regardless of my health.
A therapist author that I love, Wendy Ulrich, quoted the dean of the school of nursing at BYU as saying, “The Lord never promised us 'cure'. He promised us 'healing'.” I'm starting to recognize the difference.
Finding Middle Ground
My sister-in-law sent me the link to a fireside given by Jared Halverson. In this talk, he discussed how the gospel is filled with opposites. He had coined some phrase relating to these opposites, but I forget what it was. The examples he used were: faith and works; mercy and justice; gaining knowledge and being like a child; and so on. He explained that Jesus resides in the center of those opposite virtues. He is the Perfect Balance of all virtues. Yet as humans, we tend to be on the extremes. The example he used was that one person may be really good at speaking truth, but can occasionally be unkind and cruel with their words. Another person may be good at speaking with love, but struggle with being honest.
A few days after listening to this talk, I was reading my scriptures, and felt impressed that prior to Long Covid, I had been at an extreme. Always busy, always moving, cramming a million things into a single day. There were benefits - I did things that brought me joy and I tried to serve others. I worked hard. I got a lot done in a day. But there were also downsides - to my health, and to my ability to Be Still. I would get hit with gnarly headaches or chronic sinus infections, and realize, “Oh, I need to take better care of myself. I need to sleep more, eat better, etc.” I would do better for a bit. And then as soon as I felt better, I easily slid right back into high gear, 24/7.
Long Covid has forced me to the other end of the extreme. I am sedentary. I have gained a lot of weight. I am super limited in what I can do in a day. I can’t serve people in ways that I want to. I feel turned inward, with a lot of time and energy spent thinking about my health and evaluating symptoms and “This was a good day…. How do I replicate it?” and “This was a bad day. How do I avoid others like it?” It doesn’t feel good to be this self-absorbed. It feels icky to me. And I often feel frustrated.
In this moment of reflection, the Spirit whispered to me… “You used to be on one extreme. Now you are on the other. Perhaps you can learn important tools from this, so that when you are feeling better (!!!), you can be more in the center.”
My friend Tami Molen, who is heroic and wise, and who has fought lupus for 3 decades, said to me, “Health problems are a blessing that slows this mortal life down, so that we see and feel those heavenly touches that accompany every day.” I am trying to better recognize those heavenly touches, and pray I can continue to do so.
I am hopeful that some day I will be able to once again bike and hike and take long walks and ski. That I will be able to make plans without it being a 50/50 chance I can pull it off. That I can just feel better overall. But I also hope that if/when that happens, I can better protect my sleep. That I can still take time to be still, meditate, ponder and breathe. That I will take time to sit with my husband and watch a game, because, it turns out, he actually really likes it when I do that rather than running in and out of the room with laundry or the vacuum or other projects. (Who knew?) I hope I can serve people, but also feel okay about saying “No” when needed.
I hope I can get nearer to the center.
Reaching for Him
Another scripture story I have spent a lot of time studying is the Woman with the Issue of Blood. She is told, “Be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.” I have pondered what she did to be healed. She'd spent 12 years searching for medical answers. (Please oh please let it not be that long for me.) She'd spent all of her money. (It’s definitely becoming clearer how that can happen.) She’d done everything in her power to find healing. It’s not like she just was waiting around, wallowing.
But then she did two things that made the difference. She went where Jesus would be. And she reached for Him.
Jesus did the healing. That is completely and totally in His power and at His discretion.
But I, like this woman, can try my hardest to reach for Him.
I also can try to be where I am most likely to feel near to Him. And this isn’t just physical places, like church or the temple, although I do feel near to Him in those places quite often. It has to do with what media I am consuming. The conversations I am having. It has to do with the state of my heart. Since I have been trying to be more aware of this, I notice that there are times that I leave the path where He can be encountered, and go off into a stray alley here or there. Maybe it’s by ruminating too long on someone else’s faults and mistakes. Maybe it’s by getting distracted by things that don’t matter. Regardless, I am starting to be a little more sensitive to recognizing when I’m in an alley, and often have to mentally "walk" myself back to where I can draw near to Him. Where I can touch the hem of his robe. Where I am most likely to experience His miracles and His healing.
Becoming Whole
One definition for whole is “to be complete; entire; unabridged.” I’m realizing, 14 months into this journey, that I am becoming MORE through this.
I have recognized that while this is my HARD, everyone I meet has their own HARD they are dealing with, and that I cannot truly understand their private battles. It draws my heart out to others and makes me want to hug everyone I see.
Over the past 14 months, I have been the recipient of so many kindnesses… so much goodness. I have been reminded that despite what the media portrays or incites, the majority of humanity is Good and Kind.
I have realized my absolute and intense need for Jesus to walk this path of life with me. I need Him not only for salvation, but for daily bread.
I have realized that as deeply as I mourn good health, life is still a beautiful gift that I still too often take for granted. My struggle with shallow breathing and low o2 levels has reminded me that the ability to breathe o2 in and co2 out, minute by minute, day by day, year by year, is a miracle and a gift from God.
I have realized that I have been given an opportunity to change. To evolve. To become more Whole.
I hope I can, with His help.
