I could fill a book with all of the makeup fails that have occurred over the years. Starting with the unfortunate assumption that bright blue eyeshadow, lid to eyebrow, was a good look in seventh grade.
As a child I was never good at coloring within the lines, and that has extended to my adulthood. The mass destruction I can cause with a liquid eyeliner is truly remarkable.
So personal grooming has never been a particular talent. (See the other plant-wearing, skirt-losing blog entries for more proof of that.) I once moaned to my pal Susan Eyre that I needed to hire a personal groomer (and stylist… and hairdresser...and please-don’t-walk-out-the-door-looking-like-that-sentry- person).
Susan replied, and I quote, “Christy! You have one! It’s called a mirror. Use it!”
But there have been a few pretty spectacular Fails that rise above the simple lipstick-on-the-teeth embarrassment.
(Sidenote -- I deeply regret that as a 9th grader I made fun of my kind and encouraging English teacher Mrs. Conrad for her lipsticked teeth. Keeping lipstick off one’s teeth is a tricky business. Karma has really humbled me for my 9th grade snarkiness. And I’m pretty sure Betty Conrad has been laughing from above all this time.)
One notable incident happened years ago when my children were very young. I was hurriedly getting ready for the day while simultaneously talking on the phone. But because this was centuries ago, there were no cell phones (at least none that were affordable for normal people) and the speakerphone option on a home telephone was lacking. I had stretched the corded phone into the bathroom and was cradling it with my chin as I multitasked.
Now typically, there is an innate order to Makeup Application. Foundation first. Contouring/blush. Eyeliner on one eye, then the next eye. Eyeshadow on one eye, then the next. Mascara on one eye, then the next. See the pattern? Lipstick on both sides of your mouth.
But this day I bucked the natural order of things. The phone was against my cheek, and so I put makeup on my left side only. Apparently I was feeling glam that day because instead of a more natural look, I had it all… eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, etc. I intended to switch the phone to the other side and finish off.
But something happened, and I became distracted, and forgot. I’m pretty confident I can blame it on my kids. I could blame a lot of unexpected interruptions on them. In fact, the Unofficial Theme of Parenting for me at that time was “The Era of Interruptions, Day or Night.”
So I completely forgot to apply makeup to the right side of my face. I rushed around, oblivious, driving kids and diapering kids and cleaning up after kids and so on, until later that afternoon, I ran to the grocery store.
While at the checkout counter, I chatted pleasantly with the grocery checker. (Apparently the children in tow must not have had the typical meltdown at the checkout counter, so it was very noteworthy I was even able to chat at all, let alone pleasantly. Just sayin.) As we made small talk, the checker suddenly did a DoubleTake.
And then I instantly knew.
He didn’t have to say anything. The surprised, then puzzled, and then intrigued look on his face acted as a bolt of lightning, suddenly reminding me that I was walking around with complete makeup on one side of my face, and nothing on the other side.
I did not know how to even begin to explain. So I decided to just let him think I had pinkeye or something. But it wasn’t a good look. Had I been a little lighter in my makeup application that day, it would have been much less noticeable.
But Glam Makeup needs to be on both sides of one’s face to really pull it off, in my humble opinion. (Beauty Tips by Christy. You’re welcome.)
Oh there are so many, many more stories. Like my Quasimodo Episode. And an unfortunate Sunday Glitterbomb Fail. Just to name a few. I think I’ll actually have to do a series under this theme.
But there is one common denominator. Most involve people asking me, at some point, “Have you looked in a mirror lately?”
Beauty Tip by Christy #2 -- That is never a good question.
