There are not a lot of funny things I can write about Covid today. Maybe eventually there will be.
What I write today is different than what I would have written at the day of onset of symptoms. (When I ranted, and I quote: "Nobody gets a cough anymore. Nobody gets the sniffles, or a cold, or a sore throat, or allergies. IT'S ALL COVID! Now that Covid is on the earth, every single symptom is automatically Covid. Nothing else." ) I was sure that my symptoms were just a cold. Except they weren't.
What I write today is different than what I was saying 3 days in, when I was grumbling over a Covid test I was sure would be negative. Except it wasn't.
I feel differently today than 4-5 days in, when I said, and I quote, "I realize it's really bad for some people, but for us, it's just like a flu (cold flu, not stomach flu). I've definitely been sicker in my life." I have been sicker, but I've never experienced a more bewildering disease.
I also made the mistake of saying, with relief, about 14 days in, "I am actually kind of glad that we got it and are done with it. Because now we can move on with our lives and don't have to worry anymore about getting our parents sick, getting other people sick... it's a relief and makes life so much easier." Except I didn't "move on with my life" and it definitely didn't make life easier, at least yet. Today, I definitely wish I'd never gotten Covid.
The other day, I impulsively decided to process my feelings, 5 weeks into the Covid journey, on social media. Because, well, what safer place is there than social media to explore tender feelings and process hard things and nuanced experiences? (#amIrightoramIright)
Here's what I wrote:
5 weeks in, today. I did not plan on Covid being such a Squatter. There is no question it is the strangest disease I have ever had. Last night the room wouldn't stop spinning and as I tried to sleep, I distracted myself by trying to think about the Life Lessons I have been clumsily learning through this.
I feel differently about many things than I did 5 weeks ago. I better understand why strong emotions can be evoked. I have no desired to post my opinions on what YOU should or shouldn't be doing. But I do feel like sharing a few recent realizations. For my own processing, if for no other reason.
Reminder #1 - Comparison Gets Me in Trouble. Every. Single. Time. I get discouraged when I think about how I have not bounced back from this in the same way that others have. The Inner CrossFit Coach tells me to Man Up! Quit Being a Wimp! Positive Thinking, etc.! I wonder why my family members are recovered and on top of it, and I am not. And sometimes I feel shame about that. Conversely, when I compare myself to others on the opposite end, I also feel shame. How can I complain about dizziness, chest pain or exhaustion when people are losing their lives to this? I have not had to be hospitalized. I have not had to be hooked up to oxygen. How dare I whine about non-life-threatening symptoms? But either way, the comparison doesn't change my reality. Despite some having it better, and some having it worse, it is still my current state. And I can choose to be patient with and realistic about that, or not.
Reminder #2 - People Experience Things So Differently. The range and severity of how people experience Covid is so vast. Furthermore, the range and severity of how I have experienced Covid is mindblowing, and has been all over the map. I've never had a disease that felt so much like Whac-a-Mole, with symptoms coming and going, new ones popping up, old ones improving and then recurring with a vengeance 2 weeks later, oh and here's something new for the mix as well. It has been bewildering and discouraging at times. Takeaway - I can't slip into assuming my experiences are like anyone else's, with Covid or with life. And people can't assume their Covid battle will be anything remotely close to mine.
Reminder #3 - Progress Is Not Always Linear. I was feeling disheartened the other morning because symptoms had gotten worse over 2 days instead of better, despite steroids and my 2nd round of antibiotics. But Chad correctly reminded me that when I look at where I was 3 weeks ago, there has been definite, marked, improvement. (One indication of this is I no longer feel compelled to wear my winter parka/hood zipped up 24/7 indoors 😉 ). I have to look at the Big Picture to get a truly accurate view of progress, not just the terrain of the recent past. In Covid and in Life.
Reminder #4 - My Self Worth Is Not My Productivity. I am a pretty energetic, busy person by wiring. I value Getting Things Done with work and home. And unfortunately, I can slip into the mistake of linking worth to output. There's no question that my productivity has tanked over the past 5 weeks. But I've been reminded by a loving God that I am His daughter, healthy or sick, strong or weak, productive or idle.
So there you go..... Covid Life Lessons by Christy. ("Baby step to the bus... baby step on the bus... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...") #WhatAboutBob
